


Come and Lie (With Me Till Light)

by Chngminxo



Series: Sun & Moon [1]
Category: B.A.P
Genre: Angst, Drama, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2015-11-09
Packaged: 2018-04-30 19:40:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5177264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chngminxo/pseuds/Chngminxo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was a Monday when Jongup first saw him. It didn't take him long to realise it was love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this I wrote in May last year right after I moved house and there was no Wifi. It was originally meant as a gift to someone. The characters portrayed here were characters developed by me and another and the plot is in relation to that developement as well. I completed the first part of this story over a few days last year, but the second part I lagged on and I only really completed recently. Part 1, I posted on my livejournal (zhoumi_kuixian) but the second part has yet to be posted. The title is from a song called Come and Lie by Jhameel.

I.  
It was a Monday when Jongup first saw him. He was tall and thin but not in a scrawny way, his teeth were slightly crooked and the pair of pearly white fronts nudged at his full lower lip in such a way that it drew anyone's eyes to them. Jongup had felt his cheeks flush as the man stepped closer, those pink lips curving into a smile as he tipped his head to flick the jet black strands of hair from his gentle, dark eyes, “Hey, you're the new kid, huh?” he had greeted, lifting a hand and affectionately messing up the younger man's hair with a single shake of his head, “I'm Himchan.”

Jongup had been thankful that he wasn't selected as the maknae of the group. He had always been the youngest. The youngest sibling, the youngest in class, and he felt it caused him to be a victim more than anything else. Of the six members of the group, the four eldest seemed to dote upon Junhong most, especially the leader who saw the seven year age gap between himself and the maknae to mean that he now needed to be the parental figure. For the first three weeks, Jongup rather enjoyed being invisible as it gave him the space to get his bearings in a city he didn't know well, with a group of men he didn't know either. 

II.  
However it was a Tuesday when he was first noticed. Very quickly the members were falling into their positions within the group, the barriers of hesitance breaking down. Himchan and Yongguk had been friends for two years prior to the formation of the group, so their relationship was already solid, the two eldest spending all of their time together laughing and talking. Daehyun and Youngjae were much the same, almost inseparable unless one of them was washing, and Jongup had noticed even that was something they did together on occasion. The two solid friendships that had formed before they lived together naturally brought him together with the maknae, who was quickly becoming a close friend of his. They both went to the same school and often travelled to and from together, it gave them something in common to share. Yet on this particular Tuesday, it was not Junhong that sat beside him in silence, nor was it Youngjae who watched him with careful eyes as he jotted down notes for his homework, as though awaiting for him to ask the help of the elder man who had been long ago selected as the smartest member of the group. “What are you doing, Jonguppie?” Himchan's voice startled the second-to-youngest, his eyes flickering up before his cheeks flushed red, his head dipping down lower as he shrugged,

“Homework.” he muttered softly, biting into his lip a moment later and curled up closer onto himself, as though trying to hide from the amused yet gentle gaze that lay down upon him from a hyung. A soft breathy laugh filled the space between them, Himchan's hand lifting to ruffle through the younger's freshly bleached blond hair.

“You're a cutie, Jonguppie-ah. Hyung is gonna look out for you, yeah?” he said softly, his voice warm as he nudged the younger. From then on Himchan didn't dote on Junhong as much as he doted upon Jongup. Jongup didn't mind. 

III.  
It was a Wednesday when Jongup first felt jealousy. It was something he had never experienced before, and the strange almost tight sensation in his chest confused him. He didn't know it was possible to go from adoring someone to hating them so fast, but as he saw Himchan's lips twitch up into a smile, as he watched the way his eyes dropped to scan over her from head to toe as she closed her eyes in laughter, Jongup knew he hated her. Jeon Hyosung was a kind, loving woman and every time she saw one of the members, her immediate reaction was always one of care, wanting to know if they had eaten, if they were feelign well, if they were over worked or tired, Jongup had loved her and her caring nature from the moment they had met. Yet something about this.. it made him feel sour inside. Like there was a cloud above his head and he was left alone in the shadow while everyone else stood in the sunshine. “Himchan-ah!” Hyosung laughed, smacking the man's chest in a gentle and playful way, before she rolled her eyes and pouted, “You're terrible to your Noona.” she said, before turning her attention on Jongup and Junhong who sat side by side.  
Jongup made the mistake of sparing a glance to Himchan, their eyes connecting for a moment and the elder man's lips curved into a smirk, glancing pointedly at Hyosung before sending a wink to the younger man. I'm in was what that meant, and Jongup thought he was going to be sick.

Every time the Secret members dropped by the dorm things became strange, awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. Jieun always tried to get time alone with Yongguk and the leader always seems to ignore her. Jongup isn't sure if it is because he is oblivious to her rather blatant advances, or if he is choosing ignorance. He suspects the latter, as every few moments the leader is glancing to Junhong with a protective gaze as he talked and laughed with his maknae counterpart. Jongup himself, however, doesn't say a word. He sits with his eyes down, blocking out the sounds of voices and words as he doesn't want to see it happening. He doesn't want to see the way their hands brush, he doesn't want to know what he says to make her laugh, or what she does to make his tongue swipe over his lower lip they way it does when he feels hunger. Jongup just doesn't want to know. 

“I should get back to the dorm.” Hyosung says with a smile as she licks her lower lip. The other three members of the group had retired to their own home almost two hours before, but Hyosung had stayed behind as the soju was brought out.

“I'll drive you back, Noona.” Himchan says in offer. Jongup doesn't want to know what they talk about when they are alone, but he does want to know how it feels to be kissed goodnight until he is breathless and the only stars he knows are the lights in Himchan's eyes. 

IV.  
It was a Thursday when he realised he needed Himchan. He lay awake in bed, his eyes open as he gazed up at the roof that lay above the series of bunkbeds that the six of them shared together. The soft sounds of voices filtered in from the living room from where the three eldest men sat together, Junhong and Jongup having been sent to bed like children. “It's too late for you two growing boys to still be up. We have a big day tomorrow, you need your rest.” Yongguk had said, and they had listened as they always did to their leader, hyung and friend. Youngjae had joined them not too long afterwards, crawling into Daehyun's bed as he claimed the mattress was more comfortable than his own. Jongup knew that Daehyun and Youngjae's relationship had changed. He saw the way their eyes lingered on one another, how they accidentally touched more often, and how they would sometimes disappear for hours on end with no explanation. He didn't know if he was the only member that knew, or if everyone knew and simply chose not to speak of it. He didn't tell a soul, regardless. 

As he lay awake on the mattress, his mind wandered. He wanted so badly just to sleep, he wanted to allow himself to relax back and feel the exhaustion take over him, but he just couldn't. His head turned and he looked at Himchan's empty bed beside his, the sheets a mess, the pillow folded. Himchan was violent in his sleep, occasionally kicking Jongup during the night but he didn't mind. He didn't mind anything Himchan did.  
The soft sound of familiar laughter filtered in from the living room and he pushed himself up, wrapping a blanket around his shoulders before jumping down from the top bunk, his teeth sinking into his lower lip as he let himself out of the silent and dark room.

“Man you should have seen her, it was like she was from some porno I just couldn't-” Himchan cut himself off as he saw Yongguk sitting up straighter, the leader's brow creased with concern. Everyone knew that the leader didn't like it when the members spoke about sex in front of the maknaes, Himchan almost always respected that. Almost. However that night, Himchan's head turned to look at Jongup in the doorway, his soft lips curving into a smile as he saw the younger man lifting a hand to rub at his eye, “Jonguppie-ah.. What are you doing out of bed? It's late.” 

“I can't sleep..” Jongup murmured, swallowing the lump that formed in his throat at the words he had heard. He didn't have to think of them for long, because soon Himchan's hand is extending to him with a warm, tender smile, 

“Come here, Jonguppie. Sit with Hyung until you feel tired enough to sleep.” Jongup nodded, allowing the elder man to bring him against his side. Jongup was tense for all of twenty-four seconds, before he relaxed into the warmth of Himchan's body, the familiar scent of the man giving him all the comfort he could need. He could have sworn Himchan would hear his heartbeat as it thumped fast in his chest.  
When he woke up the next morning, he was laying on Himchan's bed. He couldn't remember how he got there.

V.  
It was a Friday when he first felt guilt and regret. Five of the members had gone out to dinner, Himchan saying he would prefer to stay at home that night and rest. Jongup had wanted so desperately to stay with him, but he didn't breathe a word of that, always too shy to speak the truth of what he wanted. It was nine-thirty when Daehyun suggested they go to Noraebang, Youngjae agreeing immediately even though he said he didn't want to sing, and Junhong had pouted at Yongguk until the elder had caved and agreed to let the maknae stay out a little later, even though he made him swear not to even leave his sight for a second. Jongup had said he wanted to go home, and Yongguk had paid for his taxi, making him promise to text as soon as he made it back to the dorm. Jongup pressed send to the message as soon as he stepped into the front door, closing it softly behind him. His lips parted to call for Himchan, but the word died on his lips as he was met with the sound of a moan. He had never heard Himchan's voice sound like that before. It was deep, husky and so sinful that it sent a shiver down Jongup's spine, and alread was making his boxers feel tight.

“O-Oh Oppa..” Jongup's heart sank as he heard a woman's voice. There was a slow rhythm of the bed knocking against the wall and he couldn't stop himself from stepping up through the apartment, and peeking through the crack in the door into the bedroom. He could only just make out Himchan's form, the blankets around his hips as he held himself up on both hands, his body rocking in a slow rhythm and sounds falling from his beautiful mouth with every movement. It was like the most beautiful song Jongup had ever seen. It was a symphony of pleasure, desire and sin and before he knew what he was doing, Jongup's hand was slipping into his pants, his fingers curling around his own erection and squeezing. His teeth bit into his lower lip to keep silent as he just listened.  
Maybe it was too easy to block out the sounds the woman was making, maybe it was too easy to forget what it was he was doing, but as his ears filled with the sinful sounds of Himchan approaching an orgasm, he couldn't find it within himself to care. 

Himchan's voice was loud and husky as he cried out in ecstasy, and Jongup made his lip bleed to keep himself silent as he released into his boxes. Face flushed and heart racing, he withdrew his trembling hand from his pants and let himself out of the apartment again. He sat in the stair well for two hours just so he could be sure she was gone; he couldn't look Himchan in the eye for a week, nor could he stop hearing the music of Himchan's voice. 

VI.  
It was a Saturday when he first cried over Himchan. He had never thought much about how he felt, or what his feelings meant. He knew that his chest would tighten when he heard of the elder man being with another. He knew that he would kill for Himchan to look at him the way that Daehyun looked at Youngjae with such love, such contentment, or the way that Yongguk would look to Junhong as though the maknae was the most perfect creature on the planet. 

They had moved into a new dorm and now they had the luxury of having two per room, rather than all six of them sharing together. He lay in bed at night listening to Himchan's breaths as they held a steady rhythm that often lulled him into the security of sleep. He would wake up in the morning and smile because the first thing he would see would be Himchan's sleep mussed hair and tired smiles as he greeted his favourite maknae with a gruff voice. Jongup could ignore the way his heart ached when he saw those smiles. 

He sat on his bed holding his book, his head cocked to the side as his eyes flittered over the words. School was over for him, he no longer had to study the way Junhong did, but on occasion he enjoyed reading books. Often he was titled as the stupidest member of the group, the one who was always clueless and oblivious, and usually he tried not to let it get to him. He knew that he wasn't stupid, he was just quiet, he kept to himself and he observed those around him while remaining silent. Often Himchan would speak and yell and laugh and his head would turn to look to Jongup for some kind of confirmation which would come as a nod and a smile, which satisfied the elder. 

Himchan opened the door to their shared bedroom and closed it behind him, his cheeks pink from entering the warm apartment from the cool November air outside. Jongup's head lifted, his eyes settling on Himchan in silent question, the man looking like he was about to say something, “I'm going to ask Hyosung out at the Christmas party.” he said. Jongup's expression didn't waver, while inside his heart ached and his throat tightened. A smile curved his lips and he did his very best to keep his voice steady,

“About time. You've been wanting to forever.” he said, his gaze dropping down to the pages of his book. Dark eyes fluttered closed and he released a slow breath. Himchan groaned,

“Guppie-ah I don't know how to ask her out. She's perfect. I mean just fuck look at her. She has the most incredible tits I have ever seen.. and her legs, and fuck her face and just.. she's way too good for me, she probably will laugh and say 'Ha! No.' and then I am going to be left humiliated. She could do so much better than me.” he said, sitting down beside his dearest friend and dongsaeng, pushing the book from his lap and instead laying his head against the younger's firm thighs. Jongup blinked down at the elder, their faces having been brought close together and he was quick to look elsewhere, his fingers automatically fiddling with the dirty blond hair that truly looked incredible. Though Jongup thought anything looked incredible on Himchan.

“She'd be an idiot if she turned you down, Hyung.. You're a catch. You're handsome and kind and patient.. You have a good body, too.. I don't think she's out of your league at all..” he said, swallowing hard and cutting himself off before he could continue. Himchan snorted, reaching up to mess Jongup's hair again,

“Slow down kid, I might start thinking you wanna ask me out.” he snorted before making a face, “That'd be weird, I aint got any problem with Gays but that shit grosses me out, you know?” he said, pushing himself to stand. Jongup tried not to react to the words, simply laughing and reaching to grab a pair of sweat pants and clean underwear, 

“Yeah.. I'm going to shower.” he said, his vision swimming as soon as he stepped from the room. Himchan would never look at him the way he looked at Hyosung. He gazed at his reflection in the mirror, everything from his broad chest, muscled arms down to his strong thighs and masculine jaw. He didn't have soft, pale skin. He didn't have large breasts, or slim hips. He stared at himself for a long time, he had never felt so hideous in his entire life. 

Hot water beat down on his face as his breath hitched, a hand clamped over his mouth so that no one could hear him cry.

VII.  
It was a Sunday when he realised this was love. He watched Himchan as he introduced himself in front of a crowd of screaming fans, the man looking tall and handsome and simply perfect in his tailored suit and styled hair. Himchan was everything he had ever wanted, and everything he could never have.  
That night they lay silently in their beds, Jongup only just able to make out his shape through the darkness. “Goodnight Jonguppie.” he murmured, pulling the covers tight around his head.

“Goodnight, Hyung..” Jongup replied. The room settled into silence, it was almost deafening. “H-hey Hyung?”

“Mm?” Himchan replied sleepily, and once again silence stretched between them. He swallowed hard, mustering up the courage to speak, 

“I...” he began, not even knowing what he wanted to say. All he knew was that he didn't want there to be silence. He didn't want the moment to end. “Nothing.. Never mind.” he said, closing his eyes tightly, listening to the tired chuckle, 

“Love you, kid. Now go the fuck to sleep.” he replied, his voice warm, not knowing how those words brought tears to Jongup's eyes, or how they made him ache in so many ways.

“I love you, too.” he murmured. Himchan was already asleep.


	2. Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part II. This part is slightly stranger, and a little messier. But as I said with the first chapter, it's based off another plot and developement of a bigger, far more complicated story so this is more just the major parts of the story of two minor characters from another work.

VIII.

It was Sunday when they met again after over a week apart. Jongup had returned to the dorm the morning before, having met with Yongguk and Junhong who had arrived the Friday night. It was Himchan, however, that Jongup so desperately wanted to see. The door was pushed open and the man stepped over the threshold, setting down his suitcase and removing his shoes, a hand lifting to brush the snow from his hair. Jongup's breath was knocked from his lungs as Himchan sent him a brilliant smile, “Jonguppie-ah.” he greeted, coming closer and pulling the younger man into an embrace, “It's good to see you.” His voice was soft, quiet, as though he was whispering a secret that was only to be shared between him and his much younger friend. Jongup just smiled and nodded, his teeth finding his lower lip, “It's good to see you, too, Hyung.”

The two of them were soon engulfed by the attention of the others. Daehyun and Youngjae coming home together, all six of them members sitting down to a meal with one another and speaking of their time apart. Himchan's arm rested on the back of Jongup's chair, and Jongup decided it was nice.

It was late at night before they finally were able to be alone, not that he would even think that Himchan would want to be alone with him. Their bedroom was silent, the only sounds filtering in being the sounds of the street far down below their eighteenth-floor apartment. “I missed you, y'know.” Himchan said, his dark eyes fixed on the roof. Jongup felt his chest tighten, and his lips curve into a small, shy smile as he turned his head to look at his elder hyung, and dearest friend,

“I missed you, too.”

IX.  
It was a Saturday when he was noticed once again. They sat in front of television cameras, an interviewer looking to Himchan with expectant eyes, “Himchan-ssi who do you think is the most handsome member?” She asked with a smile, the second-to-eldest humming in thought as he held the microphone to his mouth. Jongup had zoned out, as he so often did during interviews such as these, as did the maknae of the group. It was rare that a question was directed to them, and often when they were, the leader would deflect them. It was amazing how the six of them had a rhythm now when it came to protecting the maknae. A question would be posed and the four eldest members would silently and individually decide whether they would allow it to be passed on to the maknaes, and if they decided it was not, then Yongguk or Himchan would step in and answer on their behalf. 

“Jonguppie-ah has grown very handsome in the past few months.” he said, startling Jongup from his daydreams, causing a deep flush to settle on his face beneath the caked on makeup he wore, “We are all very proud to have seen him grow into a handsome man.” The interviewer smiled and nodded, 

“Is there anything you would like to add, Jongup-ssi?” 

“A-ah.. Thank you, Hyungnim.” Slim fingers brushed through his hair again, and he heard that soft chuckle. He didn't have to look to know a grin was on Himchan's face. It made his stomach flutter.

 

X.  
It was a Friday when Jongup was first the object of jealousy.  
He sat on a stool in the bar he was in. On rare occasions he and the others would go out and drink, or maybe just have meals together out of the dorm. It was nice for them all to be able to spend their free time together, sharing the excitement of being young.

On this particular night, it was just Himchan he was with. Daehyun and Youngjae seemed as though they didn't want to leave the privacy of the dorm, or each others sight, and Yongguk remained protective of their underage maknae. Himchan, however, had been eager to take his dearest friend and Dongsaeng to a bar to let go a little, to relax, yet now that they were here he seemed on edge, his brow furrowed and his normally carefree smile turned down into a deep frown. The entire night Jongup had been receiving looks from the women around him. He was dressed in tight jeans and a leather jacket, but he didn't notice. He never paid any mind or attention to those around him. Not when everything he wanted was right in front of him.

“Excuse me..” a soft hand settled on the inside of his forearm and he jumped slightly and turned his head to quickly look at the pretty, petite young woman who stood by his side. The pace in which he had turned caused him to spill his drink over his lips and chin, having been drinking from the bottle as she had spoken to him and he flushed in embarrassment, licking his lips and reaching for a napkin to clean himself up, 

“U-Uh yeah?” he asked, looking at her with confused eyes, not understanding who this stranger was. She, too, flushed, laughing a little and lifted a hand of slim fingers to tuck her hair behind her ear,

“I was just wondering if you'd like to dance with me..” Jongup didn't see the way Himchan's eyes dragged over her from head to toe, but this time it was not a look of appreciation or interest, instead one of distasteful judgement, his hand extending to curl his fingers around Jongup's wrist just as the younger answered, 

“I-I.. Yeah.. Sure yeah okay.” he smiled. However it was Himchan who spoke with a shake of his head,

“No.” he said, all too quickly. Jongup frowned, not registering that the woman may have an interest in him, not registering that dancing didn't quite entail the kind of movements he was used to, “Jonguppie-ah stay here with me. We're having a good chat.” he said. Even Himchan didn't understand the feeling within himself, but the image of this woman with her body pressed flush to Jongup's, of her sultry eyes trying to seduce, her hands wandering a little too far. It filled him with disgust, and brought an ache into his chest. Jongup just blinked at what Himchan said, feeling as though the man put a valid argument on point and so he flushed and smiled apologetically, 

“I'm sorry..” he said, turning back to Himchan with a shy smile, “S-Sorry Hyungie.. What were you saying?” Himchan relaxed and loosened his hold on Jongup's wrist, but didn't release him completely. Jongup would be lying if he said he minded.

XI.  
It was a Thursday when Himchan needed him. Jongup had seen Himchan following Hyosung from their practice room fifteen minutes earlier and in truth, he was worried. Yongguk had taken the maknae home and so with Himchan gone, it was just Jongup accompanying Youngjae and Daehyun, who made him feel somewhat like a third wheel. Carefully, he opened the door and peeked out, blinking in confusion as he saw Hyosung letting herself out of a room a little further down the hall. She ran one hand through her hair, while another straightened her clothing, not even sparing Jongup a glance as she then wiped at her mouth.

The door was still closed, however, and Jongup was confused. He carefully pushed open the door to the room, peeking in. What he saw was not what he had expected, Himchan sitting on a chair, his cheeks flushed, his pants open and his still very erect length pressed almost against his stomach. Jongup swallowed, averting his gaze from that and instead focusing on Himchan, not quite understanding, “Hyung..? What Happened?” he asked, watching the way the man began to tuck his still hard erection into his pants, swallowing thickly as he tried to keep a handle on his pride,

“Sh-She's a fucking cocktease, that's what happened.” Himchan replied, swallowing hard again as he couldn't help the jab in his stomach as he thought about what had happened. What had been done. 

“She just... Left?” Jongup couldn't understand that, if he had been in that situation he most definitely.. wouldn't have run. Himchan nodded his head and released his breath in a long slow exhale, 

“Yeah... She used me to find out something and then she just... left.” He felt humiliated. So blinded by what he had wanted, or thought he had wanted, that he didn't even think. Didn't even consider it. All these months he had thought She would never want me, and for that brief moment he had thought that maybe, just maybe she did. Yet of course, he was right all along. Jongup couldn't stand the look of hurt on his dearest hyung's face, and before he knew what he was doing, he had crossed the room, his hands having lowered and one dipping inside Himchan's pants, pulling him free of the confines.

“W-what the fuck are you doing, Jongup!” Himchan exclaimed, his voice filled with shock, discomfort, slight anger as his length twitched at the sensation, his body leaning into it. Jongup, however, just sucked in a deep breath and shook his head, looking at his hyung before he chose that it was his turn to swallow his pride, whispering softly, 

“Just.. Close your eyes.” he said, his heart aching, even as he spoke, “Pretend I'm her.” It took a second before Himchan had allowed himself to submit to it, his breath sliding from his nose in soft tendrils of air, his body relaxing slowly back into the seat he sat in. Slowly, Jongup's fingers tightened around his hyung's length, slowly stroking up the shaft before pushing back down. He had never pleasured another man before in his life, hell he had never pleasured a woman either. With pearly white teeth taking his lower lip, he focused on how he would touch himself, how he would fill himself with pleasure and need when he was too desperate for the teasing. He didn't know how she had done it. He didn't know how tight her hand was, how the rhythm of her strokes fell, if she spoke dirty, if she kissed Himchan until he couldn't taste anything but her sweet mouth. All he could hope that he was doing this right, and that he was capable of giving what was needed.

It only took a minute before Himchan was spilling into Jongup's hand with a tender gasp of his name. Jongup had never thought he had heard anything sound so sacred.

“What the fuck was that, Jongup?” Himchan snapped and it brought Jongup from his daze, his eyes widening as he saw the seed in his hand before his gaze lifted. He swallowed hard and shook his head, 

“H-Hyung I..” Himchan didn't wait. He tucked himself into his pants and left, leaving Jongup alone on the floor with nothing but the sound of blood pumping in his ears.

XII.  
It was a Wednesday when he felt regret. He had stayed up far too late drinking with Junhong. The two of them had played games, taking shots as they laughed, confiding in one another. Yet as their drunk leader had returned with Himchan stumbling in towe, Jongup had retired to his bedroom, stripping down and curling into the soft covers. He didn't want to hear what Himchan had to say about women in the club, he didn't want to watch as the drunk leader took his drunk maknae to their bedroom.

He startled in his intoxication, the mattress dipped and fingers brushed his skin, Himchan's slim body finding it's way into his bed, “Jonguppie..” he could smell the alcohol on Himchan's breath as his soft lips moved closer and found his. Hands touched skin, fingers roaming flesh while clumsy mouths pressed together with a desperation neither man knew they had. Clothes landed in piles on the floor as Himchan and Jongup became one in a mess of inebriated debauchery.

When Himchan came, it was Jongup's name on his lips uttered like a prayer to heaven above. It wasn't just the orgasm that made Jongup's legs tremble and his fingers press into skin to hold on tight, as tight as he could.

Himchan didn't remember the passion of their coupling when he woke up. He tumbled from the bed and stared at Jongup in horror,

“Did we?” Jongup only nodded, pulling the covers over his soft flesh to hide the shame of his skin, the tone of regret heavy in Himchan's voice causing more agony than he knew possible. He sounded almost afraid, of what Jongup did not understand. Red finger marks were indented on his hips, deep hickies staining his neck. His lips were kissed and swollen, his insides painted with Himchan's spunk. He saw the look of disgust on his Hyung's face as he dragged clothing over his skin.

“Fucking hell.” He couldn't look, so he stared down at the blankets, listening to the elder man moving hastily around the room to dress, 

“I... We can... you can pretend it didn't- i-it didn't happen.” he tried, but Himchan was shaking his head. He begged him to forget, knowing that a memory he held dear to his heart, was one Himchan wished had never happened. When the bedroom door slammed closed, he cried.

 

XIII.  
It was a Tuesday when he cried in front of Himchan. He had been trying to keep strong every day since the night of their drunken incident. They continued on as though it had never happened, even though the memories of the warmth of hands on his skin plagued Jongup at night. If it wasn't for the hickies that had marked his skin for days, Jongup might have believed he had dreamt it all.  
It was late in the evening, and the rhythmic sound of the headboard smacking against the wall in the neighbouring bedroom was hard to ignore, but the two in their room were silent. Jongup was scrolling through his computer, silent as a mouse,

“God it's like they never stop.” Himchan said, pushing himself up from his bed. He was bored, unable to focus on anything and instead turning himself to his room mate, “They're insane aren't they?” he asked, plopping down on the edge of the younger's bed, still facing away from him. 

“Mmm they're pretty crazy.” His tone was non-committal, his focus elsewhere.

“Do you think they ever get tired of sex? I always wanted someone like that, though..what about you, Jongup? Do you wish you could get a chick who wants sex all the time?” it amazed Jongup that he could still be so clueless, 

“Not really.” he tried to keep short, wanting this to end. He felt the mattress dip lower as Himchan came closer, looking down at him, 

“It'd be nice, I'd think. To have someone want you that much and with that much need..I see the way those two look at each other. It's like they don't know how to keep their hands off each other for more than an hour." Everyone in the dorm knew how smitten their bandmates were with one another, their hands always wandering, their eyes always gazing with such adoration at one another. Jongup wondered how it felt to be looked at like that, he wondered if that was how he looked to Himchan. He knew that he was who Himchan described. He would want him that much, he would look to him wit that much need. He was everything Himchan wanted, in the form of everything that disgusted him. His swallow was thick as he tried to focus on the computer again, trying to ignore the sounds coming from elsewhere, “Hey... Jonguppie. Man, you alright? You bothered by whats going on in there, too?” he shook his head, tugging Jongup's shoulder and making the man roll onto his back, “Have you thought much about what you would want in a girlfriend?”

“I try not to think about it.” was his murmured reply as he looked everywhere except Himchan, “Don't think it would work in my favour.”

“What do you mean it wouldn't?” the man scoffed, looking down at his friend again, “Come on, girls would be wetting themselves over you.”

“Himchan stop.” Jongup said, sitting up and turning away, closing the lid of his laptop, but the elder man knew something was up,

“You're being so weird, I know the leader used to shield you guys from sex but come on, we're adults why can't we just talk-”

“I said stop!” Jongup finally snapped, “You're a clueless moron! I don't want to talk about this. So drop it!” he said, his voice raising and his chest aching. He could feel his eyes getting wet, and embarrassment rose in his chest. Cheeks red, eyes wide, he turned his head to look away as the man he had desired for so long simply stared,

“Jongup- What is your problem!” Himchan stood, his brows furrowed and his lips downturned. It was when Jongup's tears finally rolled over that he began to panic, “Why are you crying? What the fuck is going on?”

“How can you not understand?! You made me feel disgusting! You looked at me like I was the lowest creature on earth! You looked at me like I repulsed you when all I have ever wanted was to be beautiful to you!” he said, pushing Himchan from the bed, “We had sex and you made me feel ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of myself and it's not fair!” his voice cracked,

“Jongup- I-I was scared! I'd never had sex with a guy! I hadn't meant to-”

“I had never had sex with anyone!” Jongup yelled, his hands coming down hard on Himchan's chest, shoving him backwards, “All I wanted was for you to look at me like you look at girls and that night was f-fucking special to me and you made me feel ashamed! I was humiliated! I felt so stupid!” he screamed, his chest heaving. Himchan stared, his eyes wide and his lips parted, watching someone so precious to him stand before him. Breaking. All he wanted to do was take his dongsaeng into his arms, and mend the cracks that formed from his cruelty.

So he did.

XIV.  
It was a Monday when he knew this was love. He awoke in the middle of the night. His body was bare and two arms encircled him, the feeling alone bringing a smile to his lips, not feeling the discomfort of two grown men being squished together in one single bed. The air filtering through the small window was cold and a shiver ran down his spine. Carefully, he slipped from those arms and pulled himself from the bed, stepping as silently as he could to the window and bringing it closed. However it was then that his eyes caught the sight of the beautiful city below, his gaze following the lights of cars, tracing the shapes of people as they walked together. 

A pair of strong arms slipped around his middle and he jumped, his head turning and his gaze landing on Himchan's soft, tired smile. A kiss was pressed to his naked shoulder as those arms tightened around his slim body, “I didn't mean to wake you.” he murmured.

“It's lonely in bed without you.” was Himchan's whispered reply, another kiss placed on his skin as their eyes turned back to the stunning city they called home.

“It's beautiful.”

“You're beautiful.” A flush tinted Jongup's cheeks and he looked down at the floor, his lips curved in a shy smile. Himchan's fingers splayed out against his skin and brought him back closer, his lips closing briefly around the younger man's earlobe in a tender kiss before finally he whispered three words, “I love you.” Jongup bit into his lower lip, turning his head and nudging the elder's nose with his until their mouths sealed in a tender kiss. Blood pounded in his ears, the warmth of an embrace soothing him to relax.

“I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.


End file.
